My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
So I should just walk in, look him in the eye and say, "I just came to fuck your brother, nice to meet you" and just walk to your room.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
