ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
Randomize
