ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
