All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
