Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
What's the weirdest place you've ever had sex?
I don't think you're psychologically prepared for this conversation.
Randomize
