i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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