he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Randomize
