What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
