My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Randomize
