I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Randomize
