I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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