what day is it and did you see me today?
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Lol he touched my butt after his grad party and a shooting star went by. No kidding. My ass is mystical.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Randomize
