she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
God, I missed his penis.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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