I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
We drank from noon till 5 am, there was adderall and nice jews involved it was just crazy
He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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