I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
She even gives head with a lisp.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
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