Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
