My Higher Power is John Stamos
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Randomize
