Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
