Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
Randomize
