i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
if only i could text you this smell
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
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