just come out here and I will go home with you...
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
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