There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Randomize
