standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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