Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Even her dad came up for the body shots. Wasn't sure what to do so I just laid there and let it happen...
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize