Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
