I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
Randomize
