Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
