I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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