my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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