It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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