mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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