$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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