Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
