So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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