Is this going to be a big send off or a somber occasion? Just need to know if I should start drinking on the train or not.
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
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