I puked a lego.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Randomize
