Banned from zoo.
Again?
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Drake has all the answers
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
