I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
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