u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
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