Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
