I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
We had sex to beyonce's "drunk in love" and then he order me pizza. It was perf
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
