i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
How does one acquire holy water?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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