I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
