I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
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