my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Randomize
