I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Iranian Rapper, camaroonian basketball player, mexican i forget and indian doctor....this one looks the best on paper.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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