Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
Randomize
