his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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