why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
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