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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Randomize
