if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
If by whore you mean UPGRADE....then yes I am
Randomize
