Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
