Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
