i would punch a child for taco bell
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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