saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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