his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Welp...herpes.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
