Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
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